busting the myth about the Troublesome child.
UNDERSTANDING A TROUBLED CHILD
A child is the most perfect manifestation of our true, essential, fundamental nature..whos nature is unconditional joy, spontaneity, and ease of mind, body and spirit. A child is by far the finest reflection of GOD and the attributes we associate with God. Yet sometimes, the child might seem disturbed, troubled or restless..this is when the parent has to become sensitive, and attentive and attune themselves to the fundamental reason behind the disturbance, rather than focusing on the reactions, symptoms and the hyperactivity of the child.
The trouble arises when the parent focuses only on the apparent deviations in the behavioural patterns of the child as a sort of an aberration from set ideals or patterns formed by society..Though nature has endowed each parent with innate abilities to sense the underlying reason beneath the all that anger, their rebellious nature or the tantrums, the parent’s sense of preoccupation with work, or pressure from extended family, friends or relatives, who are more than eager to point out the shortcomings, and the collective pressure from society, shuts out this ability to understand and discern. This leads to they castigating the child, or severely reprimanding them every time, for what they think is deviation(s) from the socially accepted norms.
This has a cascading effect, and is hugely detrimental to the growth of the child. And more importantly it creates a pattern or a “mind set”..within the child, which becomes a rather permanent feature of his/her personality..totally based on the reactions of their parents..he/she begins to believe that they as children will never get the love and affection of their parents, because of what they think about their what their parents perceive as abnormal or incongruous. They also begin to think that their parents can never understand what they actually feel deep within, and as a result of which they will never accept them or love them. This belief marks the beginning of a never ending vortex of self hate, guilt, shame and low self esteem, which becomes so deeply entrenched in their psyche, that it almost becomes indelible! And then its too late…to be addressed.
Kids who feel this way, more often than not, grow up to be resigned, quiet and easily prone to low sense of self worth, and limited capacity for joy. They remain cocooned in their thought processes and belief systems, and never break the shackles, which largely limits their participation in life. But this can be prevented.. When we as parents, actually become aware and attentive and alert to the intent beneath the noise or the words or actions..if we can listen to their heart and not what they speak or lash out in anger. If we can let go albeit momentarily of our sense of authority or ego, of being a parent , relenquish all and every external influence and just listen with all our heart, purely and attentively, we can sense something totally different from what we formerly thought to be true.. and this is a fact! We will understand that all that anger and frustration, the apparent sense of disrespect or insensitivity, is not the childs original nature, but its their way of expressing a serious sense of lack or insufficiency that they are not able to express, the way, a parent would ideally want them to. Not only is this not idealistic, more often than not, its so bizarre and freakish that it leaves the parents thinking that they’ve been hit by a bolt of lightning! It leaves them clueless, speechless and hopeless! But that’s the way kids react. Their natural energy and vitality becomes the base for that kind of explosion, so they arent amenable to overtures that are subtle and implied. But we as parents shouldn’t be focussing on the aftershock of that explosion, but delve deep down into the epicentre of that shockwave..once we get there, the reason becomes clearly obvious and it becomes easy to fix..simply because the root cause has been identified! Its always easy to fix anything once the cause is known. And this sense of lack and insuffiency that the child feels, is simply and totally because of the lack of unconditional love and affection, and the lack of expression of the same. Once this is identified and the necessary changes are implemented in the behaviour of the parent towards the child…one can witness that the trouble slowly, but steadily dissipates, until it vanishes..